Everything I know About Women- A Nutshell-

Christ Mikey looked like death warmed over I thought as I handed him his drink with one hand and threw the blankets and pillows on the couch where he sat with the other. God, he still reeked of smoke. It was late, the house was quiet and I didn’t want to wake her so we talked softly.

“You should go wash up.” I whispered.

“Man o man, she’s really, really pissed.” Mikey said.

I rolled my eyes, “What do ya expect? You come home at 1 am-drunk- with glitter all over your face, smelling like vanilla body spray!”

My friend was not the brightest bulb in the deck. “Your car was in the garage,” I continued, “you live three blocks from a titty bar.”

“Ya, not exactly my moment in the sun is it?” Mikey mused. “Maybe I should get her some flowers…pink ones, I hear those are pretty good.”

“Yes, that’ll fix everything- Oh, I know, how about this…. STOP going to titty bars!”

I really didn’t need this right now but he was, after all, my friend.

“Look Mike, it’s not brain surgery. Women aren’t that complicated ya know.”

He looked at me like I was speaking Chinese. Poor Bastard.

“You need to show her you love her, that she’s the only important thing in your life… that you’d lasso the moon, walk on hot coals, climb any mountain, slay any dragon, die a thousand deaths… simply to make her happy.”

I slid the ice bucket over his way, it looked like he might hurl any moment.

“You’re right, you’re right. Dammit that was stupid of me; I was just gonna go for an hour or two and get back before she even got home. It was just an after work thing with a few of the boys.”

I waited for the idiocy to continue.

“But that one red head is sooo hot; I really think she likes me.”

My God my friend was brain dead.

“Ya man, she absolutely loves you when you’re throwing out 20’s like a ticker tape parade.”

“Mikey, you want to stay married right? I am assuming you want to stay married. If you do then listen to me…listen-to-me.”

I had his inebriated, undivided attention and continued.

“Take however much you spent on dancing tits and ass tonight and triple it, no…no, quadruple it- and get to work.”

I began ticking off his duties on my fingers like a shopping list.

“Flowers, lots and lots of flowers. Red ones dummy, not pink. And you gotta send them to her office, so all her friends and co-workers can see what an amazing guy you are.”

“Dinner, somewhere nice..really nice; where they have at least two forks, and bowls to wash your fingers in, and a guy walking around with a violin nice.”

“Get your ass to Zales, get her something sparkly.”

“Rubbing. Rub every damn thing on her body. Feet-shoulders-neck-anything she wants you to rub…you rub.”

“Talk her hear off but for GOD’s sake do not, at any time, use the word I. Ask her how her day was, if she’s getting along with her boss, if she still wants to take that fucking pottery class you were telling me about. Ask her everything you can think of that relates to her and –this is key- you gotta listen brother. And then ask questions about the actual answers she gives you.”

“Shit, I just had a great idea…ballroom dancing!” Surprise her with some ballroom dancing classes for both of you.” Don’t look at me like that, I’m trying to help you friend.”

I could tell I was losing him, his eyes were heavy like a dying turtle’s and to be honest I was getting pretty tired myself.

“All right Mike. You got all that? I’m telling you, I know these things, just do everything I just told you and then, do it again, and maybe, just maybe… in a month or so you can start getting some action again.”

He was getting up from the couch slowly; he dropped his drink on the floor. And he ignored it.

“Ok, you’re right buddy.” He muttered. “Look, sorry I was such crappy company tonight. I know you’re jammed up right now. Ya know where everything’s at right? Extra blankets are in the hall…how many nights you think you’ll be?”

“Two, maybe three.” I said. “She said I could come back when hell freezes over, that’s usually about 48 hours.”

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