I am Ernerst Hemingway

(Quiz Farm Tells Me So)

Of course there was no shock, no wash of relief poured over me when the news was finally made official, it was-to be honest- about god damn time.

I’ve known it ever since Francis Macomber came into my life. From the time Jake Barnes and Lady Brett Ashley crashed together like streaking meteors and when Thomas Hudson, Eddie and Roger Davis revealed themselves to be the only real men left on the planet.

But when my friend sent me the Mother of All Quizzes to find out which author/poet I was I just thought I’d check to be sure…..

On a scale of 1-5 I either disagree, or agree, the strength of my self awareness moving from left to right…

1) I like to talk about myself? Good God the sound of my own voice gives me wood…STRONGLY AGREE.

2) I’m a heavy drinker? What self respecting tortured artists isn’t? My backup plan has always been if I cannot write myself into history, I can certainly aspire to drink in a legendary fashion. STRONGLY AGREE

3) People say I’m a complicated person? I’m understood ONLY when I intend to be! MIDLY AGREE

4) I feel like I’m always working and nothing ever comes of it? I’m a writer man, everything sucks until it’s actually finished.. then it’s gospel. PRETTY MUCH AGREE.

5) I think suicide is shameful? “Through early morning fog I see, visions of the things to be, the pains that withheld for me, I realize and I can see…That suicide is painless, it brings on many changes- And I can take or leave it if I please.-Mike Altman and Johnny Mandel (Mash Theme) STONGLY DISAGREE.

6) Guns are cool. Uh, I don’t want to start a war but.. yah, they are. PRETTY MUCH AGREE.

7) I’ve got the luck of the Irish? I’ve never won a damn thing in my life. If there’s poop on the ground I’ll find it, if there’s a bird in the sky he’ll find me. STRONGLY DISAGREE.

I would never pay more attention to my work than my family? I’m sorry baby, I do love you but LEAVE ME ALONE… I’M WRITING! PRETTY MUCH AGREE.

9) I love life, even in accepting the fact that pain and death are part of it? Pain and Death are where most of the best stories are found, love is cool and redemption is warm and toasty but still, both are way cooler with a healthy dollop of pain and death. STRONGLY AGREE

10) I love traveling to hot places like Key West, Spain and Africa? Been to all three, love’m and can’t wait to get back. One has insane fishing, one serves up crazy good food and one has big scary animals to chase after. STRONGLY AGREE.

11) I think men should be strong, unemotional and fearless instead of sensitive and compromising? Hmm, tough one- depends on the score of the game- if you come after me or my loved ones I will beat your fucking ass… but then I’ll cry about it later. I THINK I’LL RUN DOWN THE MIDDLE LANE ON THIS ONE.

12) I’m fascinated by human nature, what makes people do what they do? It’s not thumbs that separate us from Monkeys and Pigs, it’s our consistent ability to do the inconsistent and make the stupidest decisions for the most beautiful reasons. STRONGLY AGREE

13) I dig nature? Consider it dug. STRONGLY AGREE

14) I treat everyone the same, whether they are rich or poor? I do my best but my groveling for movie money sometimes gets in the way. PRETTY MUCH AGREE

15) I like to date people younger than me and don’t mind if they are a close relation? WTF? I want to be Hemmingway, not Jerry lee Lewis! STRONGLY DISAGREE

16) I would go to war if I had to? Already have, just wish if we had to go to war it could be the down and dirty old school ones instead of the video game war we play now. STRONGLY AGREE

17) School is a waste of time. Life is the best teacher? Right on, it has it’s moments but the rubber don’t meet the road in class. PRETTY MUCH AGREE.

18) If I had to be involved in war I’d be a doctor or nurse vs fighting? Lord no- I HATE blood. STRONGLY DISAGREE.

19) Give me London. No thanks, food and view is better in the Islands.. I hate pudding and tea. STRONGLY DISAGREE

20) I’ve got good rhythm? Lets not go there. VERY VERY STRONGLY DISAGREE.

21) There’s a good possibility I’ll die from alcohol poisoning? It’s more than a possibility, it’s likely. Besides, who the hell wants to live to one hundred, orifices leaking in every direction, wondering why my bed smells like wet buffalo? “My wife married a man, I see no reason she should inherit a child.” –John Steinbeck, Travels With Charley. STONGLY AGREE

22) I love horror? Ahh, It’s ok but it’s not the glue of the world. MIDLY DISAGREE

23) I tend to rebel against conventions of religion, education and society? Not a fan of any of them but rebel? I try to wear the coat until it becomes to tightly wrapped. MIDLY AGREE.

24) I break the rules? Yeah, ok- it’s more fun but I don’t want to LIVE in jail. MIDLY AGREE.

25) I sometimes have hallucinations, without the drugs? Um, excuse me? It’s called writing. STONGLY AGREE

26) A lot of people think I’m mysterious? Abrasive, foolish, charming in a “dumb ass” sorta way, but mysterious? Nah. PRETTY MUCH DISAGREE.

27) I love adventure? Your damn right you climb the mountain simply because it’s there! STRONGLY AGREE

28) Sometimes I go on and on, just letting thoughts stream out without thinking? I am the master of babble and diarrhea of the mouth and mind. STRONGLY GREE

29) There’s nothing wrong with homosexuality? Seriously here, I don’t care for it personally but we all better learn how to fucking get along and right fucking soon! STRONGLY AGREE.

30) I think I am able to empathize with what are people are going through? It is, to be honest, one of the things I am most proud of. STONGLY AGREE

All right then! There you have it. The die has been cast – the scope and breadth of my very soul put on display for judgement- and when the votes come raining in who could it possibly be? What other triumph of literary grace and manhood would have the ability to nest in my heart but Papa? Ahh yes- there you have it- Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

To answer the question of which tormented artists soul TRULY lies dormant in your hearts and minds visit the oracle of wisdom, the purveyor of Pathology…. If you dare.

http://www.quizfarm.com- Type in Author in the search box…The truth is out there. And they couldn’t possibly be wrong! Could they?

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Tags: artist, blogging, ernest hemmingway, humor, quizfarm, writing

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