I do my best to be a writer. The painfully slow and torturous process has wrapped me up and refuses to release. I try with all my might to stick to that and that alone. I am however, at the core, obsessed with the deviant, perverse and decadent which as a semi artist in training can be wonderfully inspiring- as a person however it can also be disconcerting.
I am moving locally and while swimming along my local craigslist came upon a intriguing post. My insatiable appetite for all things lurid took the wheel and I replied, in jest, to this strange and frightening man’s post.
It’s NOT writing, poetry or enlightening and it doesn’t even play one on TV. It is mildly amusing. I had originally hoped it was simply another fake post that plop upon craigslist like autumn leaves. Unfortunately, it was real….
INT. DINGY OFFICE – MORNING
DISTURBINGLY BORED sits at his desk absently scanning craigslist postings on his computer. The phone on his desk RINGS, he glances at it briefly, then looks back to the screen.
A posting header appears on the screen: SINGLE ROOM- NO $: LONG BEACH
Pausing briefly his cursor moves onto the post. The CLICK of his mouse explodes in the room.
Original Post: Thursday November 14, 2007-
Reply to: email@example.com (names changed to protect the insane)
Date: 2007-11-14, 4:49PM PST
I’m 32yo, 6’0″/190 single white male, clean, educated, love to cook, responsible, cute, like lot of activities.
I offer a shared bedroom for NO $ at all.
I won’t say anything discriminative, I’ll just say that the best fit for me is SWF, no drama and drugs/deceases free! We will sleep on the same bed. This offer is not for sex exchange, however close relations when we will know each other later better will be really appreciated.
Place is clean and quiet, you will love it. Most of the time I’m on work (mostly all nights) and I’m busy student. I’m very simple man and don’t love troubles, so If u deal with it ok and wanna live here, write to me.
Because it’s been a lot of questions lately, I want to predict further ones from prospective roommates: The place is condo, coin laundry, street parking, entrance and exit to 710 highway. Close to downtown, lot of shopping places walking distance. NO PETS in my place! Smoking only outside, I have the balcony. You will find me as excellent roommate and good man, easy going, simple to live with.
Any questions please ask…but please only serious people —> Please THINK before you write! thanx. I speak English/Russian.
I will answer only to suitable responses + your picture must be INCLUDED…
Disturbingly Bored smiles salaciously and again, pauses briefly, then rapidly begins typing. The phone RINGS and again, goes unanswered as he types.
My reply as the fictitious Anna:
Picture provided by anonymous person…. Thanks SIS!
Sent: Thu, 15 Nov 2007 9:15am
Subject: Re: Roomate
I would interest in this opportunity. I am 34 SWF, good looking and athletic. I like cooking too. I also do outdoor stuff all the time and that’s great to do. I’m ok with sleeping in bed but i don’t want to do sex for my rent. I clean very well in the house and I am clean person also. I am originally from Poland in the Warsaw but live here now. If we like each other later down then maybe we can do sex. I like sex but not for rent. I would like to move right away if you have this still. Please let me know when you are can. I have also sent a picture of myself from some months ago but it is still me now.
The words appear in full on the screen, disturbingly bored has his finger hovering over his mouse button, trembling with anticipation and..
The CLICK of the mouse roars in the office as the message on the screen is replaced with:
Your message: RE: SINGLE ROOM- NO $ LONG BEACH has been sent!
INT. OFFICE HALLWAY – LATER
Disturbingly Bored strolls through the hallway lined with office doors. The miscellaneous stack of papers in his hand is dishelved. Passing an office worker his expression changes from ambivalence to a deep, concerned frown of concentration. They pass and his expression changes back as he steps through his open office door.
INT. DINGY OFFICE – CONTINOUS
Disturbingly Bored sits at his desk, staring with disbelief at the reply before him.
Sent: Thu, 15 Nov 2007 3:22 pm
Subject: Re: SINGLE ROOM- NO $ LONG BEACH
Thanks for your response on my add. A few additional things you should know about the place: It is 2 bedroom 1,5 bath condo. Second bedroom is occupied by another person, she is hispanic lesbian female. She is paying half of the rent to me. She is quiet student. Every bedroom has it’s own sink and access to shared bath.
As it was already been said, I want to share my bedroom and my bed with suitable person. You probably understand that sleeping in the same bed it has a lot of man-woman lifestyle and some sharing of personal space. Sometimes I like to wal around naked in my room, if it is compromising you, you’ll never see it, but I do sleep naked always. You should be comfortable being with man around you. I am not taking sex for rent, it will be ugly. Same as you I do like sex very much, and it’s very important to me that my partner honestly wants to have me and not doing any kind of favors.
I will not charge money from the woman who will start living with me, that’s why I actually need to know what is she doing for living and any criminal records she has…
Things I do not want: No drugs, No parties, No strange people in my house, I’m not digging in the personal life, but NO sex with I don’t know who on my bed!!! sorry but no boyfriends of any kind.
I know this is a lot of terms but this is the way it’s gonna be, my way or no way.
I’m very friendly but if woman doesn’t want to share her life or emotions with me it is ok.
Another thing, on 17 of November I need to fly to NJ for 2,5 weeks, so my suggestion is: I have a free day tomorrow, if you want you can see the place, me, I’ll see you. If everything is fine you can move in after I back to California, you’ll have a time to think about this place.
If you have any questions please do not be shy and ask, it is better to know everything you need before you’ll move in.
I’m using my friend’s email, lately there’s a lot of spam on mine, so I will open new one soon, I just wanted to say that my name is not Tony, it is Max (Maxim)
I have attached the picture of me
He stares blinking rapidly at the message sipping a cup of coffee. The low laughter dribbles out of his mouth, muted but audible as he shakes his head slowly. He begins typing, finishing quickly.
ANNA REPLIES BACK:
thank you for talking back too me and it was good we talked. My relief very much that we do not do sex for rent and also it is good you told me your real name. My name is anna, it is given to me by my father in poland and that is my name always.
My work is in the cleaning of houses and peoples work and I work hard and get paid for it but it is little. I do this for some time now. I am no criminal though and I do never have any crimes done with me.
I have to not come and live with you though because i do have some drugs and things I do. It is not lot or bad but I do do them when I have them. So that would not be working for your house which is ok. So I want to just talk back to you and say thank you and good luck.
Also why is the email of your name having spam on it? I am not very good with my computer email and things with computers but that I do not understand? Don’t you clean up all the spam after it is eaten? Well anyway. thank you and have good trip to there.
Without pausing Disturbingly Bored places the cursor on send and THIS TIME, the soft click of the mouse is normal as the message disappears from the screen. He looks up at his wall clock, 5 minutes to 5pm- rises from his chair and flips the computer screen to black.
INT. OFFICE HALLWAY – EVENING
Walking down the dimly lit hallway lined with office doors, disturbingly bored scans a pizza delivery menu as score begins to play and CREDITS ROLL.