For My Lover Flash Fiction

For My Lover
By Mark Mika

Christ it was awful. The whole thing spinning into a chaotic crapfest; just like a bad movie you said later. I could have sworn I saw Murphy standing there by the reception table laughing his bad luck butt off.

First the rain; and it’s never a good sign when it rains. Then the singer was drunk, making me wonder when Adam Sandler would arrive; and your dad, the bride’s father of all things deciding what a lovely idea it would be to tell the groom EXACTLY what he thought of his daughter marrying a diner cook.

“Slinging hash isn’t paying for this party! I’ll tell ya that!” I believe were his exact words.

When the caterer arrived, two hours late and with the wrong food, I could see the faces of guests looking towards the heavens for some divine intervention that would never arrive. I sat there in that chair behind the table of never ending crystal, china and flowers and wondered how just a few hours ago everything had been so filled with bliss.

The church stuffed with row upon row of family and friends, the gasps of pleasure when the wedding march began and every eye was riveted on the bride. God- I about burst into tears myself.

The vows went off without a hitch and when Father Michael went into that speech about having watched the bride and groom grow up together; from grade school and on, and the way he loved the whole damn wedding party like his own family and all! I mean, sheesh- I thought the whole room was going to have a group hug singing kumbaya!

It was so perfect.

And then, in a few tiny hours those same people all sitting around with uncomfortable, dour faces, impatient fake smiles. The bride, so immaculate at three O’clock now seething and crying at seven as her father and new husband get into a schoolyard fistfight.

Not the way to start a life together. I was actually thinking about saying piss on the whole affair and sneak out for a few dozen cold ones at the pub and then it happened. I have no idea why I hadn’t noticed, too busy with everything I suppose. But there you were, standing over me as I sat in that chair, amidst all the chaos and yelling and my eyes, I swear on my mother, they had never seen such a glorious and beautiful soul.

“Lawrence, right?” The words came from your rose lips like a sonnet.

“Call me Larry- you’re Beth, right?” I stammered with a 4 pound tongue. “The …

You smiled and sat down next to me laughing, “… that pending disaster’s little sister…and bridesmaid.”

“Right, right- I’m hashslinger’s best friend, and man.” My palms felt like they’d been dipped in water.

You raised yourself up, golden tan, eyes of emerald hope, and without effort took my hand and raised me up with you. You asked me to dance and I swear to you my lover, my love- it wasn’t the moment in my life where I knew I could be a man- it was the moment I knew I could be a good man.

And I will never forget what you said as we walked through the maze of tables to the empty dance floor.

“So Larry, what do you do for a living?”

We haven’t stopped laughing since.

The Monster Within- Is Beowulf Killing Our Kids?

A cyber-friend writer friend of mine living in the U.K posted today her astonishment and general concern for the current movie Beowulf. Well, not the movie, just the rating it received from the powers in the U.K. I won’t repost her musings because, well, they’re not mine to post. She’s a great writer though, gushing full with that wonderful British sarcastic intelligence. If you’re curious: http://www.myspace.com/rahawkins – she’s a trip.

In any event, the jist of her rumination was moral concern. When is too much too much for our young boys and girls whom we hope, at one point, will have the capacity mentally and morally, to leave things better than they found them for their own children. In the case of Beowulf the rating in the U.K is 12-A, meaning children 12 and up are free to sit in the dark and get scared out of their ever-loving-mind. Here in the U.SofA it’s PG-13. Shots are being fired on both sides of the pond on the content vs rating appropriateness.

The initial scene of the movie involves a luridly dressed king, a orgie-like party Studio 54 would be proud of, plenty of yummy sexually graphic language and innuendo wrapped up nicely with, “the mass violence of blokes being hit with the soggy end of one time companions”. –Rebecca Hawkins
(Sorry Rebecca, I couldn’t resist stealing one line, I loved that phrase.)

Her well placed point being, is this REALLY appropriate for a 12 year old kid? After some stateside googling I found that same question asked by many of the national publications so I sat, pulled out my tea and biscuits and wondered, is it? Originally the movie was to go to release with TWO ratings. PG-13 for theaters and a Unrated version for IMAX 3D houses. Sounds good, right?

Ah, Nope- The MPAA (our rating oracles in the sky) said that ain’t so Joe. A movie can only occupy one space in time (meaning one rating) while it is open to the public viewing pleasure. Put the sucker on DVD at 20$ a pop and you can have the Slayer of Slayers riding a pink fucking pony, giving all the monsters tummy aches with too much candy in a G version all the way up to a CGI, and lovely, apparition of Angelina Jolie getting gang-banged by a army of flying monkies in a X-Rated thriller. (By the way, which one do YOU think would sell better!)

As long as it’s out in theaters though, one movie- one rating- period. And here’s the other rub. A large part of the movie is in that increasingly popular, “300” vein of half live-half CG style. I mean, it’s not like the future of our world is seeing the REAL, scantily clad ta-ta’s of Mrs. Brangelina or the REAL limbs of actual people being cast aside like shucks at a corn boil. Right?

So, in my pursuit of fairness and the love for stirring up some good ole fashioned debate I replied to her very well written blog….

Yes, absolutely Rebecca, 100% correct and I agree completely. As the father of a 10 year old son I cannot fathom him capable to disperse that kind of info properly in two years, or three for that matter.

Let me play devils advocate though, and walk through nostalgia towards two of my favorite childhood cartoons. In the states (not sure in the U.K) Tom & Jerry and Roadrunner are two very long running Saturday morning cartoon staples.

Tom & Jerry plays off the ancient struggle of Cat and Mouse- arch-enemies to the end. The entire show has the sinister (but retarded) cat trying to kill the loveable (just as vicious however) mouse. The cat constantly finds severe physical harm which in the flesh and blood world would, in almost every instance, mean instant death. Lovely show really and I’m SURE there was some latent, educational subtext somewhere deep below the surface…

..Road Runner follows the same theme- just different animals- and Wiley Coyote, evil to the core and with the IQ of a warm cucumber, manages- in every show- to fall off a gigantic cliff. After the requisite plumb of dust is seen hundreds of feet below ole Wiley shakes himself off, “man’s up”, and gets right back into the business of catching the roadrunner.

I’ve never made a habit of falling off cliff’s but I’m sure that, unless you live in the world of M.Knight Shymalan, it usually results in organ damage.

My devils advocate point being that although I laughed my silly little 8-12 year old butt off I don’t think I was effected that greatly by the animated violence, absurd refusal to deal with the normal laws of physical nature, and the concept that it is ok to hunt something relentlessly if you just don’t care for them, man or beast. ??? – ya, I KNOW they’re cartoon animals but still???

Anyway, I did LOVE your post- you write so well; AND you crack me up- I also DO agree with the sentiment…. I wouldn’t take my 12 year old even if he is still 10.. to think about it, I probably wouldn’t let him watch Roadrunner or Tom & Jerry either.

Peace and best wishes

addendum 11/30/2007

I noticed a strange thing after posting this entry. My HITS went through the blogging roof! I mean they exploded! Of course I asked..

WHY?

The writing’s not great, the thoughts about as deep as a 12 year old kiddie pool so why on earth is everyone suddenly flocking to my blogging?

SEARCH ENGINES.

What are they searching for? Not ME I can assure you.

Over the last several days, after posting this entry, my page was getting pulled up by hundreds of people searching for things like..
.. is beowulf good for a 12 year old…
…is beowuld appropriate for children..etc, etc.

I DON”T KNOW! And I’m sure after reading the entry you realize I don’t have a clue. I will tell you this, my fellow parents and prognosticators…

… Don’t depend on a blog to tell you! Go see the dang movie and judge if YOU think it’s right for YOUR kids! The 20 bucks you’ll pay to find out is worth it, and my beloved movie industry could use the extra juice.

I am Ernerst Hemingway

(Quiz Farm Tells Me So)

Of course there was no shock, no wash of relief poured over me when the news was finally made official, it was-to be honest- about god damn time.

I’ve known it ever since Francis Macomber came into my life. From the time Jake Barnes and Lady Brett Ashley crashed together like streaking meteors and when Thomas Hudson, Eddie and Roger Davis revealed themselves to be the only real men left on the planet.

But when my friend sent me the Mother of All Quizzes to find out which author/poet I was I just thought I’d check to be sure…..

On a scale of 1-5 I either disagree, or agree, the strength of my self awareness moving from left to right…

1) I like to talk about myself? Good God the sound of my own voice gives me wood…STRONGLY AGREE.

2) I’m a heavy drinker? What self respecting tortured artists isn’t? My backup plan has always been if I cannot write myself into history, I can certainly aspire to drink in a legendary fashion. STRONGLY AGREE

3) People say I’m a complicated person? I’m understood ONLY when I intend to be! MIDLY AGREE

4) I feel like I’m always working and nothing ever comes of it? I’m a writer man, everything sucks until it’s actually finished.. then it’s gospel. PRETTY MUCH AGREE.

5) I think suicide is shameful? “Through early morning fog I see, visions of the things to be, the pains that withheld for me, I realize and I can see…That suicide is painless, it brings on many changes- And I can take or leave it if I please.-Mike Altman and Johnny Mandel (Mash Theme) STONGLY DISAGREE.

6) Guns are cool. Uh, I don’t want to start a war but.. yah, they are. PRETTY MUCH AGREE.

7) I’ve got the luck of the Irish? I’ve never won a damn thing in my life. If there’s poop on the ground I’ll find it, if there’s a bird in the sky he’ll find me. STRONGLY DISAGREE.

8) I would never pay more attention to my work than my family? I’m sorry baby, I do love you but LEAVE ME ALONE… I’M WRITING! PRETTY MUCH AGREE.

9) I love life, even in accepting the fact that pain and death are part of it? Pain and Death are where most of the best stories are found, love is cool and redemption is warm and toasty but still, both are way cooler with a healthy dollop of pain and death. STRONGLY AGREE

10) I love traveling to hot places like Key West, Spain and Africa? Been to all three, love’m and can’t wait to get back. One has insane fishing, one serves up crazy good food and one has big scary animals to chase after. STRONGLY AGREE.

11) I think men should be strong, unemotional and fearless instead of sensitive and compromising? Hmm, tough one- depends on the score of the game- if you come after me or my loved ones I will beat your fucking ass… but then I’ll cry about it later. I THINK I’LL RUN DOWN THE MIDDLE LANE ON THIS ONE.

12) I’m fascinated by human nature, what makes people do what they do? It’s not thumbs that separate us from Monkeys and Pigs, it’s our consistent ability to do the inconsistent and make the stupidest decisions for the most beautiful reasons. STRONGLY AGREE

13) I dig nature? Consider it dug. STRONGLY AGREE

14) I treat everyone the same, whether they are rich or poor? I do my best but my groveling for movie money sometimes gets in the way. PRETTY MUCH AGREE

15) I like to date people younger than me and don’t mind if they are a close relation? WTF? I want to be Hemmingway, not Jerry lee Lewis! STRONGLY DISAGREE

16) I would go to war if I had to? Already have, just wish if we had to go to war it could be the down and dirty old school ones instead of the video game war we play now. STRONGLY AGREE

17) School is a waste of time. Life is the best teacher? Right on, it has it’s moments but the rubber don’t meet the road in class. PRETTY MUCH AGREE.

18) If I had to be involved in war I’d be a doctor or nurse vs fighting? Lord no- I HATE blood. STRONGLY DISAGREE.

19) Give me London. No thanks, food and view is better in the Islands.. I hate pudding and tea. STRONGLY DISAGREE

20) I’ve got good rhythm? Lets not go there. VERY VERY STRONGLY DISAGREE.

21) There’s a good possibility I’ll die from alcohol poisoning? It’s more than a possibility, it’s likely. Besides, who the hell wants to live to one hundred, orifices leaking in every direction, wondering why my bed smells like wet buffalo? “My wife married a man, I see no reason she should inherit a child.” –John Steinbeck, Travels With Charley. STONGLY AGREE

22) I love horror? Ahh, It’s ok but it’s not the glue of the world. MIDLY DISAGREE

23) I tend to rebel against conventions of religion, education and society? Not a fan of any of them but rebel? I try to wear the coat until it becomes to tightly wrapped. MIDLY AGREE.

24) I break the rules? Yeah, ok- it’s more fun but I don’t want to LIVE in jail. MIDLY AGREE.

25) I sometimes have hallucinations, without the drugs? Um, excuse me? It’s called writing. STONGLY AGREE

26) A lot of people think I’m mysterious? Abrasive, foolish, charming in a “dumb ass” sorta way, but mysterious? Nah. PRETTY MUCH DISAGREE.

27) I love adventure? Your damn right you climb the mountain simply because it’s there! STRONGLY AGREE

28) Sometimes I go on and on, just letting thoughts stream out without thinking? I am the master of babble and diarrhea of the mouth and mind. STRONGLY GREE

29) There’s nothing wrong with homosexuality? Seriously here, I don’t care for it personally but we all better learn how to fucking get along and right fucking soon! STRONGLY AGREE.

30) I think I am able to empathize with what are people are going through? It is, to be honest, one of the things I am most proud of. STONGLY AGREE

All right then! There you have it. The die has been cast – the scope and breadth of my very soul put on display for judgement- and when the votes come raining in who could it possibly be? What other triumph of literary grace and manhood would have the ability to nest in my heart but Papa? Ahh yes- there you have it- Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

To answer the question of which tormented artists soul TRULY lies dormant in your hearts and minds visit the oracle of wisdom, the purveyor of Pathology…. If you dare.

http://www.quizfarm.com- Type in Author in the search box…The truth is out there. And they couldn’t possibly be wrong! Could they?

misterlooneypants and disturbinglybored

I do my best to be a writer. The painfully slow and torturous process has wrapped me up and refuses to release. I try with all my might to stick to that and that alone. I am however, at the core, obsessed with the deviant, perverse and decadent which as a semi artist in training can be wonderfully inspiring- as a person however it can also be disconcerting.

I am moving locally and while swimming along my local craigslist came upon a intriguing post. My insatiable appetite for all things lurid took the wheel and I replied, in jest, to this strange and frightening man’s post.

It’s NOT writing, poetry or enlightening and it doesn’t even play one on TV. It is mildly amusing. I had originally hoped it was simply another fake post that plop upon craigslist like autumn leaves. Unfortunately, it was real….

FADE IN

INT. DINGY OFFICE – MORNING

DISTURBINGLY BORED sits at his desk absently scanning craigslist postings on his computer. The phone on his desk RINGS, he glances at it briefly, then looks back to the screen.

A posting header appears on the screen: SINGLE ROOM- NO $: LONG BEACH

Pausing briefly his cursor moves onto the post. The CLICK of his mouse explodes in the room.

Original Post: Thursday November 14, 2007-

Reply to: misterlooneypants@gmail.com (names changed to protect the insane)
Date: 2007-11-14, 4:49PM PST

I’m 32yo, 6’0″/190 single white male, clean, educated, love to cook, responsible, cute, like lot of activities.
I offer a shared bedroom for NO $ at all.
I won’t say anything discriminative, I’ll just say that the best fit for me is SWF, no drama and drugs/deceases free! We will sleep on the same bed. This offer is not for sex exchange, however close relations when we will know each other later better will be really appreciated.
Place is clean and quiet, you will love it. Most of the time I’m on work (mostly all nights) and I’m busy student. I’m very simple man and don’t love troubles, so If u deal with it ok and wanna live here, write to me.
Because it’s been a lot of questions lately, I want to predict further ones from prospective roommates: The place is condo, coin laundry, street parking, entrance and exit to 710 highway. Close to downtown, lot of shopping places walking distance. NO PETS in my place! Smoking only outside, I have the balcony. You will find me as excellent roommate and good man, easy going, simple to live with.
Any questions please ask…but please only serious people —> Please THINK before you write! thanx. I speak English/Russian.

I will answer only to suitable responses + your picture must be INCLUDED…

Disturbingly Bored smiles salaciously and again, pauses briefly, then rapidly begins typing. The phone RINGS and again, goes unanswered as he types.

My reply as the fictitious Anna:

Picture provided by anonymous person…. Thanks SIS!

—–Original Message—–
From: disturbinglybored@aol.com

To: misterlooneypants@gmail.com

Sent: Thu, 15 Nov 2007 9:15am
Subject: Re: Roomate

Hello Tony,

I would interest in this opportunity. I am 34 SWF, good looking and athletic. I like cooking too. I also do outdoor stuff all the time and that’s great to do. I’m ok with sleeping in bed but i don’t want to do sex for my rent. I clean very well in the house and I am clean person also. I am originally from Poland in the Warsaw but live here now. If we like each other later down then maybe we can do sex. I like sex but not for rent. I would like to move right away if you have this still. Please let me know when you are can. I have also sent a picture of myself from some months ago but it is still me now.

Thank you

Anna

The words appear in full on the screen, disturbingly bored has his finger hovering over his mouse button, trembling with anticipation and..

The CLICK of the mouse roars in the office as the message on the screen is replaced with:

Your message: RE: SINGLE ROOM- NO $ LONG BEACH has been sent!

INT. OFFICE HALLWAY – LATER

Disturbingly Bored strolls through the hallway lined with office doors. The miscellaneous stack of papers in his hand is dishelved. Passing an office worker his expression changes from ambivalence to a deep, concerned frown of concentration. They pass and his expression changes back as he steps through his open office door.

INT. DINGY OFFICE – CONTINOUS

Disturbingly Bored sits at his desk, staring with disbelief at the reply before him.

—–Original Message—–
From: misterlooneypants@gmail.com
To:disturbinglybored@aol.com
Sent: Thu, 15 Nov 2007 3:22 pm
Subject: Re: SINGLE ROOM- NO $ LONG BEACH

Hi Anna,

Thanks for your response on my add. A few additional things you should know about the place: It is 2 bedroom 1,5 bath condo. Second bedroom is occupied by another person, she is hispanic lesbian female. She is paying half of the rent to me. She is quiet student. Every bedroom has it’s own sink and access to shared bath.
As it was already been said, I want to share my bedroom and my bed with suitable person. You probably understand that sleeping in the same bed it has a lot of man-woman lifestyle and some sharing of personal space. Sometimes I like to wal around naked in my room, if it is compromising you, you’ll never see it, but I do sleep naked always. You should be comfortable being with man around you. I am not taking sex for rent, it will be ugly. Same as you I do like sex very much, and it’s very important to me that my partner honestly wants to have me and not doing any kind of favors.
I will not charge money from the woman who will start living with me, that’s why I actually need to know what is she doing for living and any criminal records she has…
Things I do not want: No drugs, No parties, No strange people in my house, I’m not digging in the personal life, but NO sex with I don’t know who on my bed!!! sorry but no boyfriends of any kind.
I know this is a lot of terms but this is the way it’s gonna be, my way or no way.
I’m very friendly but if woman doesn’t want to share her life or emotions with me it is ok.

Another thing, on 17 of November I need to fly to NJ for 2,5 weeks, so my suggestion is: I have a free day tomorrow, if you want you can see the place, me, I’ll see you. If everything is fine you can move in after I back to California, you’ll have a time to think about this place.

If you have any questions please do not be shy and ask, it is better to know everything you need before you’ll move in.

I’m using my friend’s email, lately there’s a lot of spam on mine, so I will open new one soon, I just wanted to say that my name is not Tony, it is Max (Maxim)
I have attached the picture of me

Max

He stares blinking rapidly at the message sipping a cup of coffee. The low laughter dribbles out of his mouth, muted but audible as he shakes his head slowly. He begins typing, finishing quickly.

ANNA REPLIES BACK:

Hello Max,

thank you for talking back too me and it was good we talked. My relief very much that we do not do sex for rent and also it is good you told me your real name. My name is anna, it is given to me by my father in poland and that is my name always.

My work is in the cleaning of houses and peoples work and I work hard and get paid for it but it is little. I do this for some time now. I am no criminal though and I do never have any crimes done with me.

I have to not come and live with you though because i do have some drugs and things I do. It is not lot or bad but I do do them when I have them. So that would not be working for your house which is ok. So I want to just talk back to you and say thank you and good luck.

Also why is the email of your name having spam on it? I am not very good with my computer email and things with computers but that I do not understand? Don’t you clean up all the spam after it is eaten? Well anyway. thank you and have good trip to there.

Anna

Without pausing Disturbingly Bored places the cursor on send and THIS TIME, the soft click of the mouse is normal as the message disappears from the screen. He looks up at his wall clock, 5 minutes to 5pm- rises from his chair and flips the computer screen to black.

INT. OFFICE HALLWAY – EVENING

Walking down the dimly lit hallway lined with office doors, disturbingly bored scans a pizza delivery menu as score begins to play and CREDITS ROLL.

FADE OUT

Thoughts On a Mid-Watch (twenty-years later)

Two decades ago I was a wide eyed kid in the Navy, and didn’t know my ass from a hole in the ground. Hell, I’d never been on an airplane before let alone a ship in the middle of the ocean. Three weeks after training I found myself in Spain where I met what would be my new home for the next four years, The U.S.S. Donald B. Beary.

The next four years were the most definitive growth period in my life to date and I met many people I’m proud to call my friends today.

Standing Watch while at sea is part of the daily routine and I’ll tell you one thing; the middle of the ocean at night is a heck of a fine place to let your mind wander around and toss some words back at forth.

This was originally written 20 years ago, steaming back across the Atlantic on our way back from the Mediterranean. As a side note it was my bad fortune to lose a ridiculous amount of money playing poker directly before my four hour watch. … shit happens.

Thoughts of a Mid-Watch (twenty years later)

Midnight Castle’s agony

Swaying from within

I played the ace, lost the race,

On a lonesome summers whim

The tide lays hidden far beneath

The dark and cold below

The wind and salt upon my face

Raise feelings I love and know

We steamed ahead into the black

Gibraltar now far behind

The thousands of miles and memories

Laying softly in my mind

I cycle back to my new post

The past in shimming green foam

Ancient knowledge and comfort surrounds me

Heading home- finally- heading home.